Loss of personhood

Every good thing comes from above. From the Father of Lights

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What is the consequnce to the psyche to have every good feeling, emotion, thought, comfort, idea, etc. be provided by an external Better Other? And conversely having the reinforced implication that all bad emotions, thoughts, ideas are an expression of ones depraved, sinful, badness?

For me I believe the consequence is clear: loss of personhood. (as well as: Loss of personal responsibility. A sense of slavery. Emotional retardation)

Loss of personhood is the central issue though. If every internal experience you have is viewed either as God's goodness to give you the capacity or the experience itself, or an expression of your own continued badness, what is there left of you? Just bad. That is not a good feeling to live with for 40 years. I believe it has deadened something emotionally and psychologically in me to the point of near mental illness.

It has not been until my recent conclusion that this whole thing is a farce, God is imaginary and the Bible is no more inspired than the Koran, that I have a growing sense of freedom and personhood and health.

Part of me wants to grieve the lost years of bondage, but most of me is so excited to step out fo the cage and into the light, and run and jump and enjoy life and explore and see and do and achive and find out what is OUT THERE!